can i do it? yes - i think so - maybe - i hope....

When I was younger, I took a couple years of Kempo Karate. I enjoyed it quite a bit and actually tested up a couple belts. After studying less than a year, I was with my family (my mom, great uncle, great aunt, aunt) in an Asian Marketplace in a not-so-great part of town. As we were outside eating, I noticed a couple of young men kicking another young man who was laying fetal position on the ground. I watched this for a couple minutes, thinking that surely they would either stop or someone more capable than I (i.e. a big strong man) would intervene shortly. Neither happened.

Now keep in mind that this was in gang-land. And that I was not armed in any way other than my false-sense of being capable of handling this scenario with my not exactly black belt level of martial arts training.

I clearly did not keep any of the above in mind as I found myself on my feet and moving towards the scene with a bravado fueled by the indignation that I felt at it not being a fair fight (I mean c'mon, literally kicking a man when he's down?) and anger that nobody was moving in to stop them. As I strode forward to put myself between the two young men and the man laying on the ground and started berating them for doing this in the open where there were families and children in plain view, it started dawning on me what a stupid stupid position I had put myself in. What if they had a gun or a knife and a healthy dose of who-gives-a-sh*t attitude to go with it?

Luckily for me, they were so dumbfounded that a skinny little Asian girl was bold enough to interfer that it rendered them temporarily non-aggressive. But not entirely speechless. The main aggressor managed to tell me that they were only paying the guy back for shooting his brother. Ummmm. Hm. What does one say to that? I could only think to tell them that that's was their business but this was not the place to conduct it.

By this time other people (ahem, those capable men I was looking for earlier) found their backbone and started towards our little group and somehow we managed to convince the 2 men to go away while another bystander started to help the victim to his feet and I walked away on not quite steady knees.

Now, what does that have to do with taking my kids to Costco you ask? Afterwards I reflected that if I had not had that little bit of martial arts training I might not have been brave (stupid?) enough to put myself in that situation. It was amazing how I thought that I could handle two clearly pissed off young gangsters (assuming) just with my attitude and maybe a year's worth of karate exercises. I had never been in a real fight in my life. It clearly gave me a possible false sense of security about what I was able to do. I assume it was a false sense because I'll obviously never know if I could have handled it had they turned aggressive towards me.

Taking the kids to the amusement park a couple weekends ago was a huge breakthrough for me. I actually braved taking them to Costco this past weekend. And I actually survived to talk about it! Of course all those food tasting stands in every aisle was a Godsend. I think that was the only thing that kept M occupied in the cart instead of constantly demanding to be put down.

Yay for me!

But now I have this sense that, now I have broken that barrier, the world is my oyster and I can do all sorts of things with two kids in tow! Is this a false sense of my own abilities? I guess only time will tell. Hopefully this feeling of being invincible will not lead to me situations quite as dangerous as the gangland incident....

i wanna talk about me

Does constant introspection make me self-absorbed? I want to say no, since I certainly don't want to be self-absorbed, and the introspection is suppose to help me become who I want to be. But whenever I start asking someone "So do I......?", or "So am I....?" I think I hear a little sigh in my head and I am not entirely sure that it's not the person I'm talking to projecting a mental "Oh, here she goes again talking about her."

My husband always asks "Why do you ask me all the time?". My answer of course is that "Why, I want to make sure I'm being the best person/wife I can be" with a smile on my face. In my head I am growling, "You are complaining that I'm asking if you're happy with me? Would you rather that I just don't care and go on with whatever I want whether you like it or not?"

Should I just stop asking him? Which would be more annoying?

My friends patiently answer my questions, while my insecure inner self is screaming "Stop talking about yourself! People are going to start avoiding hanging out with you!"

Am I annoying? Is my constant introspection just a neurosis that is cleverly disguised as an attempt at self-improvement? Should I stop asking you now?

You know what I have no patience for?  People who sign up for the armed services in a time of peace, get the subsidized education, go off and enjoy the fruits of said education or other benefits, and then bitch and moan when they get sent off to war.

I mean, really?  They signed up for the ARMED SERVICES for cripes sake!  It's not like they signed up for a scholarship and then was told "Surprise!  You might get sent off to war!  What?  You didn't know that?  Well gosh, you should have read the fine print.  Oh well, sorry, but too bad!"

Then you always get the "Oh, it's not that I don't believe in going to war, it's just that I don't believe in THIS war."  Again - really?  Then why didn't you wait until we were in a war you "believed" in before signing up?  

So, let me get this straight.  You told the government you were willing to lay down your life for this country.  To thank you for your willingness to lay down your life for this country (unless I am mistaken and it actually says something like "I agree to go to war, but only for those that are for the prinicples that *I* believe in and reserve the right to refuse my service for wars that don't make sense to me" - I don't know I've admittedly never signed up) our government then pays for your education.  Then when it comes time to actually honor the contract you have signed, all of a sudden you have decided that your scholarship (because that's why you *really* signed up, right?) wasn't worth your life.

You are probably one of those people who also bitch about how the government is spending its budget right?   You, who have decided that the only price you should pay for your government subsidized education was your time away from home in boot camp on on some base somewhere.  But not your life, no, not that.

People, if you're gonna sign up for the armed services, please make sure you're signing up for the right reasons.  And if you don't, or didn't, at least stop complaining about how horrible it is that you were called upon to fulfill your contract.

I just have no patience for that.  End rant.

warning: rambling ahead!

So I used to think I had to write a blog post in its entirety and post it right away. Why? Don't know. But as I read other blogs, I've realized that some people write a post over a course of a couple, few, several days and post it later. I think I'll try that. I anticipate, however, that this means some of my posts will be rambling, disjointed, random bits of information and thoughts that seem to have no connection whatsoever other than the author. Oh well.

Let's start with: Who is your hero?

I've had a hard time nailing down a hero. I have a very stringent (some might say unrealistic) requirements for a "hero". I expect perfection. Someone that I would rather be other than myself. An idealistic, perfect of myself I suppose.

Lately I've realized that if I keep applying these stringent requirements, that I will never find a hero. When was the last time you met a "perfect" person? And that is sad. I think everyone should have a hero. The embodiment of the person they strive to become.

I have many people I admire, some more so than others, but in each there are flaws that stop me from putting them up on the "hero" pedestal. If I could just carve out these flaws, or put the best in many people into one person, I think I would find my hero. Or there are people who are portrayed as perfection, such as Ghandi or Mother Teresa - why aren't they my hero? Because I am cynical and I think there must be some flaw there that nobody is pointing out - or because nobody knows them well enough. After all, have they achieved the balance in life that I am looking for? It seems that they have given their entire life to one cause or mission and have not achieved that elusive (or is it mythical?) "work life balance" that I am forever chasing after.

But that's just stupid, right?

I have not yet identified the new set of guidelines I should follow, but I have found a hero. Two, actually. My kids. My kids are my heroes. Aside from occasional, irrational fears that small children tend to have - they embody the ideals that I wish I could achieve (or go back to?).

They are eternally optimistic ("perhaps the 20th time I ask for something I'll stop getting "no" for an answer?"). They are, for the most part, fearless, thinking they can jump over tall buildings in a single bound ("What can't I dive off the couch head first?"). They are open to learn anything without the acknowledgment that they might be incapable of doing so or fear of failure or a disastrous results ("Can you do it? Yes you can!" - Bob the Builder). They see the wonderment in everything ("Look! Another bird! More fascinating and differently beautiful than the other bird I just saw five minutes ago!"). Everything is shiny and new without the baggage of cynicism.

How wonderful (and yes inherently dangerous) it would be to keep that innocent optimism throughout your life.

I strive to go back to that, with a liberal dose of common sense of course (Yes, I understand I can't jump off a high object head first into the ground). I think I am too cynical, much of a naysayer - often playing the devil's advocate in discussions with friends, coworkers and, sometimes unfortunately, my bosses. Too infrequently do I go outside my comfort zone and challenge myself due to fear of failure.

So my kids are my heroes. I guess whether they stay my heroes will be, largely, up to me......don't we all want to shape our children into the kind of adults we wish we could be?

I hope that someday my kids will think I'm their hero.

am i a wannabe?

I am.
I think everyone is. I *hope* everyone is.
Along the lines of....
"I wannabe more of an intellect"
"I wannabe more patient"
"I wannabe a better person tomorrow than I am today"

I am also a wannabe because I work with a bunch of very (very) intelligent people. Which is a wonderful thing if you like being challenged or stepping outside your comfort zone. Unless you have a fragile (or perhaps overly modest?) sense of your own intellegence in which case it becomes a daily struggle to justify your place within this group of elite individuals. You might think "Well, if you work there, then you must belong right?" Except that I consider myself here by pure luck and coincidence than actual ability. So I feel like a poser or, in kinder words, a big wannabe.

And so I start this blog with high hopes that 1) as I actually put pen to paper (or mouse to screen as it were) I will start to affect more currents in my, I feel, stagnant intellect and 2) I can put down my thoughts and allow people to comment to either validate me or give me a nice little reality check. Or, like some people, perhaps I just need some outlet so that my reservoir of random thoughts do not runneth over the dam. I hope you enjoy this blog. And I hope I enjoy writing in it. I wish us both luck.